


Skinny {Ziam}

by Spoiledbabyxoxo



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Anal Sex, Bottom Zayn Malik, M/M, Prostitution, Smut, Top Liam Payne, Twink Zayn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-28
Updated: 2021-02-21
Packaged: 2021-03-08 20:48:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 19,054
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27242947
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Spoiledbabyxoxo/pseuds/Spoiledbabyxoxo
Summary: Zayn Malik is a beautiful broken boy. He offers his body to anyone who is willing to pay enough for it. He has spent years convincing himself that this is how his life is supposed to be. There is no way out, change just isn't possible. He has successfully convinced himself that he is okay and content with his life. That is until he begins to feel things for Liam Payne. Liam shows him a new world, shows him that change is possible. Zayn has been disappointed time and time again in the past by people he cares about, so he is reluctant to believe Liam is with him for him and nothing in return.  Liam can't love him, he's used up and dirty, Liam can't love someone like him. Zayn can't love Liam either, it's just not possible, or maybe it is.
Relationships: Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson, Zayn Malik/Liam Payne
Comments: 46
Kudos: 51





	1. Chapter 1

My heartbeat can practically be felt in my face as my mouth pleasures some random middle aged man in a bathroom stall. My eyes slam shut as his hips thrust forward, hard cock hitting the back of my throat, I gag. He towers over me and I feel small. Before I know it he’s releasing a low groan and he’s finishing, out of instinct I hastily pull away. He reaches his high, cum spilling out and landing on my face and neck. I grimace and pant loudly as he smirks down at me. I pull myself up from the dirty bathroom floor and wipe at my face and neck, whipping away his sticky cum. I hold out my hand that is dainty in comparison to his larger one. A deep sigh falls from his lips as he pulls up his pants, buckling his belt before pulling out his wallet and taking out a twenty dollar bill.

I roll my eyes as I catch sight of the several hundred dollar bills that sit in his wallet. I clearly voiced the price of my sexual favor before we entered the stall and now he wants to be cheap, cute. “It’s forty.’’ The words hastily tumble out of my mouth before he can shove his wallet back into his pocket. 

He lifts his head, eyes narrowing at me, I gulp drawing in his bitter taste that lingers on my tongue. He sifts through his bills and pulls out another twenty, slowly handing it to me. Before I can pull it out of his firm grip he decides to tighten his grip and my eyes widen as I glance up at him. He has a mischievous look in his eyes and my heart thumps at the sight, I can only hope he doesn’t turn violent, it’s happened before. It never gets any less terrifying. 

I release my grip and slowly inch away, his fingers curl around my wrist and I draw in a sharp gasp. He pulls me into his chest, I stumble forward, free hand pressing to his broad chest. His intense gaze falls to my lips then raises to my eyes before falling to my lips again.

“I’ll have to charge you extra if you kiss me.’’ This time around I can’t prevent my voice from sounding weak or brittle, truthfully I’m terrified and my voice confirms that. 

His lips curl into a small smirk and my heart falls. “Worth it.’’ He whispers, my brows furrow and in seconds his lips meet mine. My body tenses and I remain still, he takes control, plunging his tongue in and licking around in my mouth. Tears well in my eyes and I slap at his chest lightly, not hard enough to anger him, but hard enough to hint to him that I am ready to be released from his forceful kiss.

He ignores the slaps that seemed to not faze him in the slightest and continues on. His large hands trailing down my body, grabbing my hips and giving a squeeze and that’s when I’ve had enough, I need air. I pinch his nipple and twist it a little, he quickly pulls away. “Ouch!’’ 

“You deserved that.’’ I whisper, gasping in some much needed air. He rubs at his nipple and gives a little nod in agreement.

“Sorry, I got carried away.’’ I bite down on my lip and nod. No one has ever apologized before, it’s nice to hear. I inch away from him unlocking the stall and stepping back to pull it open, I’m anxious to part from him, he's persistent and only seems to want more from me.

He pulls out his wallet for a third time, caramel brown eyes glancing at me in curiosity. “Um ten I guess.’’ The man scoffs and pulls out another twenty handing it over with a subtle wink. 

I am hesitant to take it, he notices. “I got carried away with the kiss. It was clear you were uncomfortable, the extra ten is to hopefully receive your forgiveness.” His well kept eyebrows raise as he awaits my response. I take the money from him indicating that all is forgiven, he smiles a small grateful smile. I want to smile in return but my face refuses to cooperate, it remains still and unsmiling. "You know when someone is hitting you repeatedly it most likely means that they weren't enjoying the kiss." I just have to speak up. It could've gone badly and just because it didn't doesn't mean I'm okay with how he took advantage of me. The man's brows bump together in a scowl as he straightens his shirt. I give a light nod before quickly barging out of the stall and out of the filthy bathroom. 

My legs carry me to the bar, I climb onto the stool at the end of the counter, sighing deeply as I feel the heat radiating off of the seat, warming my bottom. I beckon the bartender over, Al smiles at me. I can't refrain from smiling back so I offer him a small smile. 

"The usual?" He reaches down before setting a few shot glasses down on the counter. I shake my head. "no actually I'll just have a beer tonight." He raises an amused brow as he pours me a beer, sliding it to me. 

"I take it you didn't run into any trouble tonight." 

"Nuh uh it was an easy night. No one tried to get off without paying me." Al gives a light nod as he wipes down the counter. Slinging the rag on his shoulder once he's finished. "Well your night is going to get even better. Donny's out tonight had to go out of town to pick up his brother. I'll tell him you didn't come in tonight." A smile curls on my lips as the words sink in. Donny is like that one guy from all the movies that thinks he's the shit. He has more power so he takes advantage of the weaker beings, that's how Donny is. I'm just glad he's not present tonight, meaning I get to keep all my earnings. 

"Thanks, Al." I probably should suck him off for doing me a solid, but I'm not getting on my knees unless I'm demanded to. Al gives me a wink, before telling me to run off. I chug my beer before rushing out of the nearly vacant bar. Only the regulars stay until closing hours, most nights having to be thrown out by Al because they refuse to leave. 

I keep my head low the entire walk home, I only live a few blocks away from the bar, it’s a small town everything is walking distance mostly. I reach my apartment complex before I know it and I inhale a deep breath of relief. I peer up the stairs and at my door, I can see the light from the small kitchen window. I should go inside to let my mom know that I've made it home safe, but instead I decide to sit on the stairs. I don't want to see my mom and have to lie to her about where I've been. I walk up a few steps before plopping down and resting my head on the railing. As much as I appreciate the amount of money I make I regret being sucked into the demanding and highly objectifying job. I refrain from using the word prostitute as a word to describe myself. I guess that's what I am and I should refer to myself as that, a prostitute, a hooker, a whore. 

My knees hurt a little and I'm itching to run upstairs and pull out the bag of frozen peas we've had stored in the freezer since last Thanksgiving, to ice my knees. A heavy sigh falls from my lips as I feel shame loom over me, shame because I blew a handful of men tonight and I feel no guilt. 

A common feeling for me is guilt it eats at me everyday but not at the moment. Right now I feel nothing, just tired and a dull ache in my knees. I know I deserve the pain. I mean most men that come to me are married with a few kids running around. Karma will head for me and plummet into me one of these days. Instead of going inside to ice my knees I remain seated on the stairs, thinking of all the women who were sitting at home waiting for their husbands while I was sucking them off in a grimy bathroom stall tonight. It's nauseating to think about. 

“Hey, skinny!’’ My heart flutters at the sound of his voice. I lift my head and take in the sight of him. He’s shirtless, basketball shorts hanging low on his hips, white converse on his feet. He’s quite a sight. He sits at the second step one leg laid out straight the other bent, foot resting on the bottom step. He holds up a small bag containing a few nugs of weed. I smile and climb down closer to him. He sets his weed tray down and begins breaking up his weed on it. Then he starts rambling about whatever comes to his mind. I listen intently giggling at the nonsense he thinks up. He doesn’t stop talking and I don’t want him to. I love the way his bushy eyebrows furrow as he attempts to find a way to put his thoughts into words. 

All too soon his words come to a halt and he’s licking the joint paper and pulling out his lighter. He lights it and I lick my lips at the sight of the joint resting between his lips, cheeks hollowing as he inhales, slowly blowing out the smoke. He hands it over to me, I reach over to grab it, our fingers lightly brushing, I shiver at the brief touch. Most nights when I'm being touched by some random man I crave Liam's touch, it’s gentle and familiar. 

“Rough night tonight? Donny didn't give you any trouble did he?’’ He raises his bushy eyebrows, I blow out slowly, smoke filling the air between us. I shake my head, he knits his brows together and I itch to reach over and brush over them with the padding of my thumbs. 

“It was calm.’’ I nod at my words cause it was calm, men were as respectful as they could possibly be to someone like me. 

“Nobody got too rough?’’ I sigh softly, passing him the joint. Men are always rough, they’re supposed to be I assume. They come to me for rough sex, rough quick and dirty sex, that’s what i’m good at.

“No, it went well, I just did what they paid me to do and left. No one caused any trouble’’ Liam nods and stares ahead, blowing out a puff of smoke before hocking up a loogie. I grimace and scoot closer to him. 

His eyes soften and he pulls me into his lap. I rest my head on his chest drawing in his intoxicating scent. My cheek pressed to his skin, it’s warm and soft. I slam my eyes shut, hugging his waist. His large hand rubs at my back. “Want to come in and watch tv? I could heat you up some leftovers.’’ My heart flutters at his offer, I can’t pass it up. It’s innocent and I know he expects nothing in return, but I feel obligated to offer him something for being so kind to me. He always is so kind even when I least deserve his kindness. We head inside, his arm curled around my waist, a gentle and protective touch that I don’t deserve.

I plop down on his low sitting sofa and slip my shoes off, wiggling my toes around a little. He goes to the kitchen rummaging around in the fridge. I peer around his living room eyes landing on his dad's work boots strewn on the floor by the sliding door. He must be asleep, it's early only 10 pm and I'm aware that he wakes up at four for work. I better keep quiet. 

Liam comes from the kitchen a few minutes later with a plate of hot dogs in his hand, two sodas clutched in the other and a bag of chips under his arm. I'm not sure how to tell him that I have a strong dislike of weiners. I tend to stay away from the hot links his step dad grills every Sunday like they were infected with some sort of disease. He hands me a soda before setting the plate down on the cluttered coffee table, lowering into the seat beside me. I glance at the hot dogs and draw in the smell, I nearly hurl. 

Liam slips off his shoes and kicks them off carelessly before pulling open the bag of chips. I hug myself as I slump into the couch, I can smell his beautiful scent, it outweighs the hot dog smell since he's so close and it makes my head spin. He’s so close I can reach out and feel his smooth skin, but I won’t. 

I feign contentment as I watch his favorite show. It makes no sense to me and I find it to be quite boring, but it has Liam’s full attention, something he refuses to give to me. We watch a few episodes and as time drags on he pulls me closer, I end up on his lap. He feeds me potato chips and I have never enjoyed being fed like some toddler before now. I feel light flutters in my tummy every time he slips a chip into my mouth. I reach into the bag and pull out a few chips, aimlessly slipping them into his mouth. He chuckles and does the same, I giggle as his fingers brush my lips as he attempts to shove the handful of chips into my mouth. 

He stares down at me as I wipe the grease from the potato chips off my lips. “You’re beautiful.” The soft words fall from his lips and it’s like time went still for me. I am far from beautiful. I am average at best, but right now I feel pretty damn beautiful. I stare into his gorgeous puppy-like eyes that give me a sense of comfort and warmness, and in this tender moment I am ready to do whatever he asks of me. He leans in very slowly, seeming hesitant, almost like he is afraid I will push him away. 

I stay frozen in place, unable to move. His chocolate brown eyes stare longingly at my lips and I am fully aware that he is going to kiss me and I am far from prepared to feel his perfect lips against mine. He must’ve sensed my uneasiness because instead of his lips meeting mine, they meet my cheek. My body relaxes and Liam’s goes tense. I feel guilt creep in and I’m not sure how to confess how much I want to feel his lips against my own. I want so badly for him to touch me, what I would give to feel his large hands caress my skin. I’ve felt it all before but the memory of it just isn't good enough, I urge to feel it again and again until he deems me used up and no longer desirable. Many men have touched me and replaced Liam's soft touches with their rough carless ones, I need to feel Liam's gentle touch again. 

If I open my mouth to speak I'll end up a stuttering mess as I try to express how badly I want him to touch me, so I keep my mouth shut. I squeeze my eyes shut as I slowly lean into him, my puckered lips meeting his, we’re both hesitant. Our lips start moving and before I know it we're engaged in a heated kiss. His hands roam my body, goosebumps rising on my skin as his large hands trail up my thighs disappearing under my skirt. His fingers push my panties aside before he palms my sensitive place. 

I allow him to touch wherever he pleases, welcoming his wandering hands and soft touch. I have never felt this type of pleasure before. Having sex with someone you care for feels a million times better than sex with a stranger. It all feels too good to be true. I have to pinch my hip several times before I can fully grasp the realness of this moment. This all seems so unreal. Liam hovering above me with a sheen of sweat lingering on his forehead, panting loudly into my ear as he pounds into me. Liam seems too good to be true. 


	2. Chapter 2

Liam's large palm rubs up and down my bare back. Goosebumps rise on my skin, my body jerks slightly at the feeling. This feels so intimate, too intimate for me to be comfortable with. I hastily pull myself up from the couch, eyes frantically scanning the room for my clothes. Liam sits up, bushy brows knitted together tightly, I don't feel the slightest bit of guilt for wanting to rush out after sex. We are both aware of where we stand with each other. This works for us. I come to him after a tough night of blowing random men, seeking familiarity. I don't want more to come of this, but some nights when Liam takes his time prepping me and gently touching me I ache for more. That terrifies me. 

"You're leaving?" He knows I am. I assume he just feels the awkward tension that surrounds us and wants to ease it a little, he made it worse. 

"Yup, I need to take a shower. I feel grimy." Liam nods and his features soften a little. I can tell he's upset. I still don't feel bad, whatever hurt he may be feeling is on him, I have no fault in this. "I'll see you whenever I see you, I guess" I bend down to grab my shoes, heading quickly to the door. 

"I'll see tomorrow night after you're done sucking old man dicks." He shouts before I have the chance to close the door. After hearing those disrespectful words I slam the door as hard as I can.

I feel immediate guilt as I remember Liam's stepdad having to wake up for work in a few hours. I wince and quickly climb the stairs, eager to get inside before Liam can come out and yell at me. I am hesitant to turn the door knob, I take a deep breath, hoping my mother is asleep already. I turn the knob, pushing the door open, a relieved sigh falling from my lips. My eyes land on my mother, who is asleep on the sofa, a hand resting on her swollen tummy. She's stunning even with a tummy swollen so huge she can barely bend over. My heart aches at the sight, I come home late every night and worry her. I feel so awful for stressing her. I lock the door before tossing my shoes onto the floor, wincing when they land on the floor with a light thump. My eyes avert to my mother, heart galloping as she stirs, she remains asleep and I feel relief wash over me. 

I lie in bed wide awake for hours. I stare up at my ceiling, wondering if Liam has had any luck getting some rest. I can't shake the image of Liam looking upset when I was dressing to leave. I still feel no guilt. I feel anger flow through me when I turn on my side, feeling an ache for Liam as I feel how much more room there is on my bed. Half the bed is unoccupied, cold. A scoff falls from my lips. I scoot to the middle of the bed, spreading my arms and legs out, I only need myself, all this space is good. Liam would only take up most of the bed and leave me hanging off the edge, I'm sure of it. That thought eases some of the loneliness I'm currently feeling, however it fails to ease it all. 

Morning comes quicker than I would've liked. I didn't get a minute of sleep, and I'm afraid I look like a mess. I shower and dress quickly, sneaking out of the house before my mom can wake. My eyes land on Liam who is leaning on the railing of the staircase, cigarette hung immobile in his mouth. My heart rate picks up at the sight of him, he looks like shit. Dark rings circle his eyes, seems like he had a difficult time getting sleep as well. My body tenses as I near his towering figure. Basketball shorts hang low on Liam’s hips, no shirt and the same converse he wore last night. The sight of his tan skin and toned stomach makes me weak in the knees.I attempt to walk past him, but he is quick to curl his hand around my bicep. I gasp as he keeps a firm grip on me, keeping me in place as he tosses his cigarette to the ground. 

"I'm going to be late for school Liam, you should really come with. You haven't come to class in weeks." He rolls his eyes and lifts his shoulders, dropping them in a careless shrug. 

"I have more important shit to do." 

"Like what, get high with Harry all day? Or I'm sorry you also shoplift and slang drugs." He clenches his jaw, grip tightening around my arm, I wince. He takes notice but decides against releasing me from his tight grip. 

"You don't know what the fuck I do all day so shut the fuck up." The anger laced in his voice is humorous. I know more about him than he is aware of. 

"Right. I need to go." I avert my eyes to his grip that is slowly loosening. He sighs before dropping his hand. I rub at the skin that he had tightly gripped in his huge hand only moments before. It's red and irritated, it might bruise, I bruise quite easily.

"I'll walk you." I want to protest, but no words leave my mouth, so we fall in step. "My dad's barbequing tomorrow, you coming?" I frown. His dad usually barbecues on Sundays; it's his only off day from work. 

"Tomorrow is Saturday." 

"Yeah he has some news to share so he's barbequing tomorrow after work. You should come."

Liam’s stepfather barbecues a lot, he’s known around the apartment complex for his delicious Tri Tip. He wraps it in foil and lets it sit on the grill with the hamburger patties and hot dogs. His stepdad is a decent guy and he and Liam seem to get along well. We've had a few brief conversations. He mainly talks about his acceptance of the lgbt community only he calls it the fairy community. His words are offensive although he doesn't try to be offensive. I'm not sure if he remembers or even knows my name since he refers to me as the little fairy that lives upstairs, it's highly offensive. However it's nowhere near as offensive as Liam's nickname for me, skinny. I despise that nickname so much. 

"I have to work tomorrow evening, sorry." A bitter chuckle sounds from Liam. I wait for his cruel words to fall from his lips. 

"I forgot you've got a busy day sucking old dicks and fondling wrinkly balls." He's speaking out of jealousy. I just know it. That eases the ache in my heart a little. I'm accustomed to Liam's insults but they still sting. 

"I said sorry. I'm not obligated to drop everything and be there for you, Liam. In case you forgot we aren't shit to each other, we're fuck buddies if anything." Liam nods and grabs my hand giving it a light squeeze. My heart clenches, I pull my hand away, barging ahead. 

"I don't want you there, so don't come. And don't show up tonight trying to fuck, I'll be fucking someone else tonight." My eyes swell with tears as I take in his words. I lower my head focusing my blurry vision on my feet. Glossy eyes locked on my dirty converse. I harbor no feelings for Liam and still the thought of him touching and kissing someone else's skin makes me nauseous.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comment your thoughts on this chapter!


	3. Chapter 3

I'm not sure what gave me the courage to approach the well dressed man sitting at the bar. Maybe it's Liam's words playing over and over In my head. He's probably screwing someone else right now, caressing their skin and kissing their lips, I feel anger course through me at the thought of his hands touching someone else's body. I attempt to strut towards him, wanting to seem elegant as I approach the man with perfectly combed hair, navy blue suit perfectly fitted to his muscular figure, I feel nervous when his judging eyes trail over my body, he gives a small nod of approval before offering me the seat beside him. We knock back a few shots of tequila and in less than a half hour I'm feeling loose and ready to leap into bed with this stranger. His hands rub at my thighs attempting to slip them under my skirt, I tense up and push his hands away so he convinces me to take another shot, I do. He whispers dirty things to me in hopes of arousing me, it works. I feel turned on and ready to roll around in the sheets all night with this handsome stranger. We have a few more drinks before stumbling out of the bar. I mumble the price to get into bed with me for the night, he hushes me by meshing our lips together. He gets us a room in some cheap hotel in town, I again mumble the price and he again hushes me. We fall back into the bed and I feel like the room is spinning rapidly. I have no control over my body. I just lie there unable to move, I feel vomit slither up my throat needing to come out. I inhale large breaths as the nauseating feeling becomes too much to handle. I turn away from him, face pressing to the sheets as I hurl, blowing chunks on the clean sheets. I groan clutching my belly as I writh in pain. The man doesn't seem to mind my vomiting since he simply presses his lips to mine, pinning my arms down on the bed. Groans continue to fall from my lips as I feel the urge to vomit again. The man undresses me, my loose limbs make it challenging for him but he manages. Next thing I know he's sliding in me raw, no condom wrapped around his penis. I feel nauseous as he pounds in, tears sliding down my cheeks as he takes all control. It seems like he goes for hours, I vomit several times, my head aching horribly. I feel myself losing what little control I still had, everything turning black. When I awake from my restless sleep I attempt to peer around and take in my surroundings, my eyelids are heavy and I have an awful headache, it feels like I endured multiple blows to my skull. I yawn, goosebumps rising on my skin. I groan as I sit up. There's a dull ache in my bottom, my hips also feel sore. I peer at the middle aged man lying beside me. My eyes fall to his left hand that rests on his chest just below his peck. There's a wedding band wrapped around his ring finger, I nearly vomit at the sight. I slept with a married man, most men have the decency to at least remove their wedding ring before leaping into bed with me. After lying in bed with the married man for a few more minutes I force myself to slip out. I stand on my shaky legs scanning the small almost familiar room for my clothes. Many men have brought me to this very hotel before, it's a few minutes away from the bar and it's cheap. It's also the only hotel in town. I slip my clothes on as quickly as I can, the throbbing in my head prevents me from moving too quickly. The man stirs and I nearly panic as he slowly sits up in bed, beady eyes peering around. He sighs heavily as his eyes land on me, he falls back onto the bed. Once I'm fully dressed I wait patiently by the end of the bed, waiting for my payment. He gets the hint, he reaches for his jeans that lie on the carpeted floor, shoving his hand in his pocket, retrieving his wallet. He slaps a few bills on the dresser before he begins slipping his clothes on. I hastily grab the money, counting it to make sure it's all there. The amount comes up short. "This is only four hundred and thirty three, I clearly said I charged six hundred for the entire night." I can't believe he would even think of ripping me off. "Yeah six hundred for the entire night, we only went at it for a few hours before you passed out. Our time was worth way less than what I'm giving you, be grateful I'm so generous." My eyes sting as tears beg to be released. I remember bits and pieces of what occurred last night and if I could remember correctly I was pissed drunk and not in control of myself, he took advantage of my drunken state. "You're such a prick, pay me my money or I'll let Donny know about this." I'm bluffing, I won't dare tell Donny about being ripped off. He will only be angry with me. My threat is unnecessary but I'm desperate, I really need the cash. "I'll make you a deal, suck me off and I'll maybe give you the rest of the cash." He wiggles his eyebrows suggestively and I feel a churning in my gut. My heart plummets down to my rib cage as I process his demand. Tears well in my tired eyes as I slowly sink to my knees before him. I do as demanded, suck him off until he is satisfied. I leave the hotel room with tears stinging at my eyes and only five hundred dollars clutched in my hand. The man screwed me over. The walk home is slow and miserable, my entire body aches. I have to take brief breaks to puke onto the concrete. When I finally make it home I rush upstairs hoping to avoid Liam. I make it inside my apartment without alerting Liam of my presence. I stand under the shower head, warm water spilling out onto me. I scrub at my skin until it's red and burning from how rough I've scrubbed at it. I need to get rid of any evidence of being touched by that arrogant man. I brush my teeth for longer than necessary as well, desperate to get his taste out of my mouth, his penis grossed me out. I still don't feel any better after my shower so I decide to binge. I raid my fridge for leftovers, pulling out chicken and pizza from the fridge. I scarf down the cold chicken in minutes, before eating a few slices of pizza. I only have an hour so I quickly chug a can of diet coke, snatching a bag of chips and a water bottle from the counter, rushing into the bathroom. I lower to my knees before the toilet, shoving some chips in my mouth before shoving a finger down my throat. In seconds the chips I ate only seconds ago come up and fall into the toilet. I gulp down some water before shoving two fingers in and maneuvering them around, dry heaving into the toilet before blowing chunks. I can faintly smell the diet coke as I groan and wipe at my mouth. I pull myself up from the floor clutching onto the edge of the sink, wetting my fingers under the water before bending over the toilet and shoving a few fingers in, hurling up more of my food. I rock back and forth on my feet, free hand pushing against my stomach, my food spills out, chunks bouncing off the water and slapping me in the face. I get a whiff of chicken grease, a smile curls on my lips, It's almost all out. I sink to my knees and continue purging until I feel my stomach is empty. Tears flow down my cheeks as I flush down my vomit, I close the toilet lid and rest my head on it, cheek pressing to the cool surface. My head is throbbing, throat burning, eyes stinging with tears from the force of it. A sob escapes me and after that I break into loud seemingly uncontrollable sobs. I feel like shit and I need relief. I stand to my feet, knees buckling. Ugly sobs continuingly to escape me as I splash water on my face. I remain in the bathroom until my sobs cease, I gargle water in my mouth before rushing out. Another awful habit I have that temporarily relieves my sadness is Liam. I know that I shouldn't go to him, but I'm still going to go to him when shit gets tough. I tap on his door a few times, stepping back as I wait for the door to be pulled open. I rock back and forth on my heels as I become impatient. It's minutes later when the door is finally pulled open. Liam stands before me, shirtless, black skinny jeans hanging low on his hips, dark hickey's littering his neck. He takes a drag from his cigarette, blowing the smoke at me, I frown at his disrespectful action before pushing past him, barging in. I scan the room frantically hoping we're alone cause if someone were here I don't know how I would react. A shaky sigh falls from my lips as I feel Liam's hand wrap around my waist, pulling me into him. A lump rises in my throat, tears welling in my eyes. It's hard to breathe. "What's up, skinny? You okay?" I can hear the cockiness laced in his low voice. His goal was to make me jealous, he failed. I'm hurt terribly, gutted, but I'm not jealous. I breath in a large breath before blowing out slowly, attempting to gulp down the bile that has risen to my throat, before turning to face Liam. "I'm fine." My voice fails me. I can hear the devastation in my voice and I nearly sob at the realization. I can only hope Liam is dumb enough to mistake the sadness in my voice for calmness or anger anything but sadness. I will never admit that him sleeping with someone else hurt me. "Alright if you say so." He raises his shoulders, dropping them in a careless shrug. My heart feels heavy and all I want to do is run home and sob into my pillow. I also want to smack Liam on his huge head. I hate him sometimes, right now is one of those times. Right now I hate him so much. "Nice hickeys." I frown. I lift my hand to my neck, frail fingers skimming over it, wincing at the slight pain I feel as my fingers touch my skin. I had no idea they were there. I don't remember the man kissing me on my neck last night then again I was so drunk I could barely remember anything. "You should cover them up, they make you look cheap, like a whore." His words cause my body to tense up. Liam has never called me anything offensive before, this is a first. My eyes sting from the tears that need to be released. I need to get out of here before I start to cry. "I like showing them off. They remind me of the night before and all the dirty things that were done to me. He was so great in bed and you can never compare, Liam." I'm not sure what came over me. I don't regret my words.bLiam hurt me so I'm hurting him back, an eye for an eye. "Shut the fuck up already, bitch!" I jump slightly at the loudness of his voice. He's never yelled at me before. This is all new and I hate it. My tears that I tried so hard to keep in slip out, warm tears rapidly slip down my cheeks. I quickly wipe them away with the backs of my hands. "I hate you, Liam." Lie. I know I'm lying and Liam knows too, but in this tense moment it's believable. Liam's jaw clenches and he quickly steps away from me, pacing back and forth, pulling at his hair. I've gone too far, we've both gone too far. "You don't hate me, skinny." He shakes his head. Not believing my confession. I don't believe my words either, they're false. Truthfully I can never truly hate Liam, even when I hate him I don't actually hate him. I just care for him so much that I feel like I hate him when he does something that hurts me. He approaches me, but he doesn't reach out to touch me and I feel my heart clench. I stare up at him, a pathetic whimper falling from my pouty lips as he glares down at me. I'm craving his gentle touch and his kindness. I wrap my arms around his waist, burying my face in his chest, breathing in his scent, getting lost in him. He slowly hugs me back, I can sense his hesitancy and it makes my heart drop. His large hands rub at my back, hugging me tighter. He pushes me away a little creating a small distance between us, I frown and he leans down to kiss my frown away. I gasp at the feeling of his soft lips gently pressing to my puckered forehead. He trails his kisses down my face, he kisses nearly everywhere on my face, he kisses my cheeks, nose, lips, and chin. He trails down to my neck, he is very hesitant to kiss my neck, so I lean up and kiss at his neck, lightly nibbling and sucking at his warm skin. "I'm sorry for what I said, I didn't mean it, Li. You're perfect. Please touch me, kiss me, please." I'm aware of how pathetic and desperate I sound, but I don't care. Liam simply nods before leaning down and softly kissing at my neck, he leaves wet kisses, lightly sucking at my neck, teeth grazing my skin and I moan at how nice it feels. "I'm sorry too, Zee. You're far from being a whore. You're so beautiful. I care about you so damn much, you mean a lot to me, skinny." My eyes widen at his words. My heart gallops, I push him away and I feel like such a bitch when his bushy brows knit together, confusion clear on his face. "Don't say stupid shit like that, Liam. You don't care about me and I don't mean shit to you so don't lie to me." Anger is coursing through me, I really need to leave before I land a slap on his stupid, handsome face. "I'm not lying, Zayn. I care so much about you. I think about you a lot and I worry about you. Zayn, you mean so fucking much to me." I suddenly need to hurl again. I feel trapped and I need to bolt before Liam says more stupid shit. "Don't say stupid fucking shit like that!" With that I rush out of his apartment. Desperate to be away from him. He can't care about me, I'm not worth it. Liam deserves better than a used up whore like myself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comment!!!


	4. Chapter 4

I have never realized how plain my room is before now. My walls are white and bare, no pictures, no posters, nothing. I suddenly feel like I'm suffocating in this plain room, it's too empty. I roll over onto my back, glossy eyes staring up at the ceiling. I sniff as I think of Liam. It seems like all I think about these days is Liam and I'm exhausted. My heart clenches at the thought of him. He's so beautiful and kind and I'm hurting him. I'm ruining him and that scares me. I ruin everything and I'm so sick of doing that. 

"Zee, talk to me please." I groan at the sound of Louis' soft voice. He only ever speaks softly when he's worried. "You've been twisting and turning for the past hour. Something is clearly bothering you and I'm not leaving while you're all weird like this." The urge to smack Louis with my pillow overcomes me but I feel too weak to move. I'll have to use strength that I currently do not have, everything is exhausting. 

"I'm fine, lou. You can leave, everything is okay." My voice is so low and weak that I fail to convince myself that I'm okay. Truthfully I'm far from okay. All I've done the last few days is screw random men and cry. I've put sloppy blow jobs in the bathroom stalls on hold and I've been sleeping with lots of men, then after we're done I cry. I sob, I scream and throw things, and then I sob some more. 

I have successfully avoided Liam for nearly a week now. I think Liam is avoiding me too and that's why avoiding him has been so simple. Last night I sat on the stairs hoping he would join me. After a half hour of waiting I began to feel foolish so I went to the bar and went home with some stranger. 

"A few nights ago I went to a hotel with a client and I think he took advantage of me." I'm not sure if he actually did take advantage. I did willingly go with him to that hotel. Everything is so confusing.

"What do you mean?" I turn on my side, staring at the wall, I feel Louis drape his arm over me. I grab his hand and give it a light squeeze as I attempt to muster up enough courage to tell Louis of what happened. 

"We had a few drinks and then we went to a hotel and I was really drunk when we started to do stuff. I was throwing up and I felt like shit but he still did things to me and then I think I passed out. But I had hickeys on my neck the next day." I feel anger wash over me as I remember the occurrences of that night. What happened was non consensual. 

"Oh God, so he fucked you while you were unconscious." I gasp at Louis' words; they're so blunt and possibly true. My anger fades out and all I can feel is fear. I push Louis' hand away and curl into a ball, arms enveloping my legs, I lie completely still. I have never felt this small and weak before now, it's an ugly feeling. I have no control over anything. 

"Zaynie, it will be okay, not now but soon." Louis is clueless he has no idea when I'll be okay or if I'll ever be okay again, he's just trying to help but I'm so tired of people lying to me. I clench my jaw, slamming my eyes shut to prevent my tears from slipping out. 

"Go away, Louis. I feel okay. I am okay right now but I want to be alone so please leave." A soft sigh escapes Louis, he brushes my cheek softly before he gets off of my bed and leaves the room. 

I sit up in bed, rubbing at my sore eyes. I have an ache for someone and it's an unbearable ache. I feel so guilty that the person I ache for in my time of need isn't my mom or Louis, unfortunately it's Liam. I miss Liam and I'm not sure why. All we ever do is argue or insult each other but sometimes we're kind to each other and we get along and those moments are beautiful. I crave more of those moments with Liam.

~~~

My stomach feels all twisted and knotted and my heart is galloping, I also feel really sweaty as I stand before Liam's door. I curl my hand into a fist, softly knocking on the door. The door is pulled open only moments later and I'm hoping Liam is eager to see me. He's fully dressed this time he has a shirt on, covering his torso. I have no idea what to say to him. I'm not sure why I came here.

I take small hesitant steps towards him before hastily wrapping my arms around his waist, burying my face into his chest. He wasn't expecting my sudden hug. I can tell by the way his body tenses almost immediately as I hug him. 

"You told me that you cared about me." I bite at his shirt before lifting my head off his chest, staring up at him. He gulps before nodding. I sigh and rub at his back, hands fisting the soft material of his shirt.

"I care about you so much, skinny." I smile at the nickname. It's embarrassing and I say I hate it but I'm not sure if I hate it as much as I think I do. I know that whenever he calls me by my nickname that he isn't upset with me. We're okay. 

"If you care about me, truly care then you'll hold me and not ask questions. You won't ask if I'm okay, you'll just hold me and rub my back like you always do. Then you'll kiss my forehead and ramble on and on about whatever comes to mind. If you care about me as much as you say you do then you'll do all that for me." I attempt to gulp down the bile that has risen to my throat. It's thickening my voice and the last thing I want to do is cry in front of Liam. He's staring down at me with tears in his beautiful brown eyes, bushy brows knitted together.

"Okay. I'll do all that for you, Zayn." His voice is thick and it makes me feel a little better. It means he's also on the verge of tears, it makes me feel less weak. 

He grabs my wrist, dragging me with him to the worn couch, he lowers himself onto the couch, pulling me down on top of him. I lie my head on his chest, arms curling around his waist, hands slithering under his shirt, thumbs rubbing at his warm skin. His large hands rub up and down my back, I sigh at the feeling. I feel safe in his arms. I also feel unbearable sadness. He is not mine. He is so perfect and I could never have him, that makes my heart ache terribly. 

"You're so beautiful, skinny. So damn beautiful, do you know that?" I tighten my grip on him, fingernails digging into his delicate skin. He winces and squirms a little. 

"Sure." That's all I can think to say. I don't believe him. "Talk about something else that's on your mind." 

"You are all that's on my mind right now. Can I talk about you?"

"No. Talk about anything else please, Li." Liam slides me off of him onto the couch as he sits up. He leans into me, gripping my chin, pressing our foreheads together.

"Zayn I care about you and something is obviously bothering you. What is it that has you acting all different?" A whimper falls from my lips as I fist Liam's hair, pulling at it. 

"I told you not to ask. Don't ask what's wrong with me because there is nothing wrong. Now please kiss me, Liam." I feel tears sting at my eyes and if Liam rejects me I know I will not be able to hold them in. 

He presses his lips to mine, my breath hitches in my throat. My lips begin to move with his. I open my mouth allowing his tongue to slip in. His warm tongue licks around in my mouth, a whiny moan escapes me and I feel no shame. I need Liam right now. I need to feel his gentle touch on my body. I need to hear him moan into the skin of my neck, I need to feel him suck and bite at my neck as he attempts to muffle his moans of pleasure. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, lovelies! Comment!!!


	5. Chapter 5

I trace invisible shapes into his delicate skin with my fingertips, small smile curling on my lips when he squirms just a little as my fingertip brushes his nipple. He's so beautiful and perfect and not mine. My smile falls and I withdraw my soft touch, lying my head on his chest, drawing in his scent; cologne and sweat and a little hint of my scent. I wish I could lie with his arm curled around my waist forever. His hand slowly trails up my leg, rubbing softly at my thighs. I allow my eyes to flutter shut as I enjoy his gentle touch. I open my eyes to glance up at Liam, I frown when I spot the fond smile etched on his face. I quickly scoot away from him, lying my head on the pillow. 

“What’s on your mind, skinny? Thinking of running out?” His teasing tone angers me just a little. He can never just enjoy these brief moments we share; he always has to worry about me leaving. He is right though right now I do feel like running away from him and his beautiful eyes and soft touches. His arm again curls around my waist, pulling me to him, I allow him to. I rest my head on his chest again, caressing his jaw with my thumb, hastily withdrawing my touch. This all feels so intimate. 

“No, I want to stay for a little longer? Can I stay here with you for a while?” He stays silent and I frown at his hesitance. He leans down pressing his lips to my forehead, I tense and scoff as I feel my heart gallop uncontrollably. 

He pulls away from me, a light chuckle falling from his lips: the lips that were just softly pressed to my forehead only seconds ago. “Can you stay the night?” He stares down at me with so much hope flashing in his eyes that I almost pity him, almost. 

“No, that would be too weird. I’ll stay for a little while longer but I am not staying the night, Liam.” His brows knit together and I have to bite my lip as hard as I can to prevent my smile from appearing. 

“How would it be weird? You spend nights with random ass dudes that you don’t even know. Why can’t you stay with me?” I sigh heavily as I sense his frustration. It’s quite comical how easily he gets worked up. 

“I get paid to spend nights with clients. It's business. Spending the night with you would be too intimate, I guess.” I frown at my explanation; it doesn’t really make sense. 

“That's bullshit it’s not like I want to fuck you all night, I just want to hold you and drift off to sleep with you in my arms. There's nothing intimate about that.’’ I raise my eyebrows as I witness his frustration quickly turning to anger. 

“I’m not staying the night Liam, sorry.” I roll my eyes as he inhales a large breath, forking his fingers through his hair pulling at before blowing out. 

“It’s like you’re scared to be around me- like if you stick around too long you’ll start feeling shit for me.” I laugh. He glares at me as he hears my bitter laugh leave my mouth. I clamp my hand down onto my mouth to muffle anymore laughs. 

“You’re smoking crack or something, I’m not afraid of anything. I don’t have any feelings for you, you’re on crack if you genuinely think that.” I have to look away when Liam’s face falls, he clenches his jaw, quickly turning his head away from me. I feel guilt wash over me as I caught a brief look of his eyes becoming misty. 

“Okay, you can leave.” I nod and pull myself up, bending over to collect my discarded clothes, hastily slipping them on, I hold my shoes in my arms as I leave his apartment. I feel awful for what I said, but I have no right to feel guilty for speaking the truth. If Liam has an issue with hearing the truth then that’s his problem.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is just a filler chapter, it'll get better real soon. 
> 
> Comment!!!!! I need to know if anyone is enjoying this story cause if no one is enjoying then I have no reason to continue writing this.


	6. Chapter 6

A deep sigh falls from my lips as I twist the key and pull open the mailbox. I hesitantly reach my hand in and grasp the small stack of letters that rest in there. I can only hope that a certain someone hasn't forgotten about my existence and actually spared some of their time to write me a few lines. I quickly lock the mailbox and sift through the letters slowly as I make my way down the sidewalk.

My heart gallops at the sight of his name written neatly at the top left corner of the envelope. I tuck the other letters under my arm, they seem so meaningless and unimportant in comparison to this one. I tear it open as carefully as my excitement will allow. My eyes trail over the very few lines written neatly on the lined paper. His handwriting is so small I have to squint my eyes just a little in order to make out the tiny cursive letters. He asks how my mother and I are doing and explains that he is doing as good as he possibly can in such a shitty place. He sends his love and signs 'love, dad'. It's pathetic that such a short and simple letter can bring tears to my eyes. I know he's struggling and I know how badly he wishes to be home and knowing that will always hurt me. I wipe at my eyes with the back of my hand before folding the letter neatly and tucking it away in the envelope. 

Sometimes his absence bothers me so much that I try and convince myself that he never existed, and it's been working so far, until now at least. Every time I check the mail and a letter from him isn't amongst the pile of mail I feel like I've been punched in the gut, and I struggle to breathe. I haven't seen him in years and I won't see him for more years to come. My mom also likes to pretend he never existed, she told me it would hurt us less if we didn't visit him or write to him. As a kid I did as she said but once I turned fourteen I searched for my dad. My uncle Eddy gave me the address of the prison my dad was moved to a few years back. I've secretly been writing to him since. Over the years it seems to have gotten more tough for him to just write to me and never see me. His letters have shortened immensely. When we first began writing to each other he would write a few full pages and now he writes a few lines and that's enough for him but it will never be enough for me. 

I take a few steps up the stairs before halting and staring at Liam's door. I don't regret what I said the other day, but there is some guilt that has been lingering, eating at me ever since I saw his reaction to my cruel words. Liam needs to understand that I feel nothing for him. I don't have the slightest clue as to why I feel nothing for Liam. Sometimes I lie awake at night and wonder if I'm dead inside, like if all this trauma I endured over the years has stunted my ability to feel anything else besides anger and pain. 

My legs shake a little as I take another step, I force them to move. I slam the door shut and lock it to prevent myself from leaving this apartment and rushing to Liam's. Sometimes I see myself as an addict. As bad as prostitution and Liam and binge eating all are for me I can't seem to part from them. They are all awful habits but I'll go mad if I quit them. I have withdrawals and turn into an angry bitter fiend when I go a day without participating in those bad habits of mine. Right now I really want to eat everything in my fridge but I also want to go downstairs and jump Liam's bones, but I need to send a package to my dad this month so I need the cash more than anything else, so I'll spend my evening on my knees at the bar. 

A laugh falls from my lips as I imagine how pissed my dad would be if he were to find out that I am able to pay for his packages by sucking dick and getting screwed in cheap hotel rooms. The same bar he would go to after work on Fridays to drink with his buddies is where I find all my clients. The same hotel he would take my mother to on weekends when they wanted alone time is where I get screwed by random men. It's hilarious in some twisted way. My dad was so manly and tough that I fear that if he were to see how I turned out he would be disappointed. I clutch onto my skirt as I grow nauseous. 

I binge. I thought I could be strong and resist the temptation but it seems like I can't. I devour the leftover lasagna from last night. Then I go for the cupcakes the old lady from downstairs sent us. I feel bloated and nauseous by the time my binge is over. I feel so disgusted with myself. I chug a bottle of water before bending over the toilet bowl. I stick a few fingers down my throat and tickle it a little. I hurl. Everything I ate spills out of me in small chunks. I groan as I stand straight, my legs shake slightly. I clutch my stomach as I flush down the mess I made in the toilet. I blew my nose that began running from the force of my action. I splash water on my face, gargling and spitting it out into the sink before exiting the bathroom. I won't allow myself to feel sorry for myself and cry alone in the bathroom that reeks of vomit, not this time. 

I feel so ashamed as I stand outside Liam's door. As much I hate hurting him I've become so good at it. I raise my hand to knock but before I could the door is pulled open. I raise my eyebrows as I stare into the tired eyes of a middle aged blonde woman. A smile curls on my lips as I notice a big resemblance to Liam in her. This must be his mother. I have only heard of her before now, I never have even caught a glimpse of her before, I almost believed that she didn't exist. Liam would use her needing his help as a way to bolt when we first met a few months ago and I would ask invasive questions that made him uncomfortable. Liam always dodged my questions by using his mother as an excuse. He made her seem needy and helpless and just looking at her I can tell something is off about her and I am becoming convinced that she just might be as needy and dependent on Liam as he made her seem. She fails to hold eye contact and she seems nervous, she's fidgeting and her eyes are glancing around but failing to meet mine. 

"Um how can I help you?" Her voice is soft and shaky, she seems afraid. I gulp as I attempt to peak inside in search of Liam. She pulls the door closer to her, blocking my view of the inside of her home. 

"Is Liam home? I just have to talk to him about something." I'm hardly ever nervous. I could carry a conversation with just about anyone, but this is Liam's mother and for some reason the knowledge of her relation to Liam makes me incredibly nervous. 

"He'll be home soon. He went to the store to get some stuff." I nod feeling disappointment settle in me. "You can come on in and wait for him if you would like." She pushes the door open a little wider, I nod a little before slithering through the very small space between the door and her body, I feel awkward as our backs brush. I clear my throat as I peer around the very familiar living room, she lowers onto the couch patting the space next to her. I feel so much shame as I sit beside her on the sofa that Liam and I get busy on, nearly every night. 

"So you're Liam's mother?" I cringe at my awkwardness. I have no idea how to start a conversation with her and I'm pretty sure she struggles with interacting with people. My eyes fall to her lap that her hands rest on, her lengthy fingernails are digging into the palm of her other hand. 

"Yes I am. Are you a friend of Liam's? Or uh his boy-" Her words fade out slowly and she goes silent, squirming a little in her seat. I glance down at my outfit, I'm wearing my baby pink top that rides up just a little every time I move and of course one of my mini skirts. I'm sure no parent wants their son befriending a boy like me. I'm girly and if she wasn't aware that Liam was bisexual before I'm sure she's assuming that now. 

"I'm a friend of his, yeah." Her eyes trail over my body and I start to feel a little self conscious as she gives me a tight lipped smile that seems a little too forced. "So how long ago did he leave?" I feel like running out of here right about now. 

"Only about twenty minutes before you showed up. He should be back any minute." I sigh heavily as I fiddle with my skirt. My palms are beginning to sweat and I feel like the musty air in here might suffocate me. 

"So uh what do you do? Like for a living?" It's a simple question but as she tenses up and looks away from me I start to feel like that might be an inappropriate question. 

"I don't work. I stay home and do things around the house." She offers me a small smile as she stares down at my knees, she scoots away a little. I frown and peer down at my slightly bruised knees, oh. I cover my knees with my palms. 

"I should go. Please tell Liam I came by." I lifted myself up from the sofa only to be stopped by a cold hand that gripped onto my arm. I frown and lower myself back onto the sofa, I feel very uncomfortable around this woman. 

"No sit. It's fine. Did you fall?" I gulp and give her a light nod. I think she figured out how I bruised up my knees and I'm afraid that she now hates me. For a reason that is unbeknownst to me I really want her to like me. 

"I'm very clumsy" I chuckle a little. There's a slight grimace on her face as she simply nods at me. I can tell she doesn't like me in the slightest. I'm just glad she is being as kind as she can be despite her obvious dislike towards me.

"Hmm okay. Liam will be back real soon. He went to get my prescription and something for dinner. I haven't had much energy these days. This is the first time I was able to lift myself out of bed in weeks." I frown and nod as I rub at my arm that was grasped in her hand only seconds ago, her grip was very strong for such a fragile looking woman.

The door slams open and Liam steps in with a big brown grocery bag held against his chest with one arm and a small white bag gripped in his other hand. I release a breath of relief and I hastily stand to my feet. He frowns at me before walking the short distance to the kitchen to set the bags down. He doesn't seem too thrilled with my presence. Perhaps because I dropped by uninvited or he's still pissed about the other day and all the awful things I said. Unfortunately It's the latter. 

"Did you get my pills, baby?" She uses a very soft tone with Liam and it encourages a smile from me. Liam simply hands over the small white bag before beginning to remove the items from the brown bag. I take slow hesitant steps towards the kitchen. I begin to help take the groceries out, attempting to lock eyes with Liam, but he avoids eye contact. I sigh and glance at his mom who slips a few pills in her mouth before taking a few sips of water. Those don't seem to be prescription pills. I shake my head and glance back at Liam. 

"Drug run?" I raise my brows as he finally makes eye contact with me. 

"Shut up. Go home. I don't want to hear any of your bullshit today." I roll my eyes and cross my arms over my chest as I remain standing in his kitchen refusing to leave. 

"I'm not sorry about what I said the other day. I meant what I said. I have no feelings for you and you don't have feelings for me so I don't know why you're all butt hurt." He clears his throat, clenching his jaw as he runs a hand over his face. He nods and begins to put the groceries away. I fold up the bag and set it on the counter, his mother glares harshly at me before barging out of the kitchen. Only moments later I hear a door slam shut and I blow out the breath I had been holding in. Oh she definitely hates me. 

"I know we don't feel anything for each other and that's fine let's just forget that happened." Liams adorable bushy eyebrows are pulled together in a frown as he pushes the table further towards the pantry. I smile at his suggestion, nodding eagerly. 

"Great because I need my fuck buddy back. I haven't had sex with you in days and I'm not okay." I giggle but quickly stop when Liam glares at me. I open my mouth to say something but I quickly clamp it shut when I realize I have no idea what to say that can lessen his anger that he has towards me at the moment. "We're okay right? No hard feelings?" I bite down on my lip as I stare at his beautiful face, he's angry. 

"Nope we're good. You say stupid shit without caring if it'll bother me or not but whatever." I squeeze my eyes shut as I run my fingers through my hair. He's really not fun anymore. I am actually beginning to miss when Liam wouldn't say much. I actually miss his stupid insults, he's been too in his feelings lately and it's a real downer. All I want to do is fuck and all he wants to do is express his feelings and that shit is annoying. 

"You're so annoying, Liam. Why can't you just fuck me without telling me how you feel?" A bitter chuckle escapes him and he shakes his head, walking towards the small hallway. I hesitantly follow behind him. 

"So you want me to treat you like shit? Really, Zayn? That's what you want? You better be sure that's what you want cause once I really stop giving a fuck about you I ain't gonna take this bullshit anymore." I blink. That's all I can do. I hesitantly nod because that is what I want. I don't deserve Liam's kindness. I deserve to be treated like what I am a; whore or whatever other degrading name that describes me.

"I don't want a relationship and it seems like that's what you want. I want to be fuck buddies and nothing more just like we agreed to be when we first started this. I don't want your kindness or your gentleness. Just fuck me however rough you want and tell me to leave after. That's what I want." I feel a stinging sensation in my eyes and I just know if he says something mean I'll break and burst into pathetic tears. I want this but I also don't want this. I'm so confused. 

"I don't want a fucking relationship with you." A laugh falls from his perfect lips and I urge to bite down on his plump lips just to shut him up. "If you wanted to be treated like shit then fine I'll treat you like the fucking slut you are." I gulp down the lump that has risen to my throat and shake my head as I plop down on his bed.

"Too far?" His tone is less hostile and I'm so grateful for that. 

"No." I whisper, falling back on his bed. I feel the bed dip and in only seconds Liam is beside me pulling me into him. I lie my head on his chest and slam my eyes shut as I breathe in his scent. 

"I don't want to treat you badly, skinny. I know you hate when I tell you that I care about you but I do care about you and I think I always will." I sigh and clutch onto his shirt tightly, fisting a handful of his hair in the other.

"Okay." I release my grip on his hair and pull myself up to sit. Liam sits up a few seconds later, resting his back against the wall, tugging me towards him.  
"What's wrong with your mom?" I rest my head on his shoulder as I peer at everything in his room. It's neater than I expected it to be, he has posters of revealing women littering his walls, I grimace at the sight. He's such a typical teenage boy but also not, he's so much more. 

"She's sick." His response is curt so I can only assume that his mom and her issues are not something he feels comfortable talking about. 

"She's a pill popper." I nervously peer at Liam, fearing that he will take offense to my accusation but I still giggle because I know my accusation is true. Those pills she gulped down were not prescribed to her. 

"Yeah. She's an addict." I sigh as I detect the sadness laced in his voice. I straddle his hips and caress his jaw, placing a soft kiss to his birthmark, licking at the beautiful mark just a little, I feel him tense up then slowly allowing himself to relax. I pull away and place a gentle kiss to his nose, bumping mine against it softly before again pulling away from him, our eyes locking. 

I make sure to hold eye contact as I attempt to prepare myself to reveal something very personal. "My mom was an addict too. She stopped after she got pregnant. My dad was an addict too, I think. Mostly everyone is addicted to something." I think of how much weed Liam and Harry smoke and how many times I've binged and purged this month without being able to stop. Everyone has addictions some are just less frowned upon than others. 

"Yeah I guess so. She tries to stop but she has other issues and taking those pills kind of help her other issues. She says they make her feel somewhat normal." His bushy brows knit together tightly as he makes an attempt to make sense of his mother's reason for her addiction. I offer a small smile and nod at his words. Interacting with his mother earlier and seeing how nervous she was I got the vibe that she might have a mental illness but I won't dare voice my assumption to Liam. "I've never seen your dad around. Is he a deadbeat?" Liam's brows raise as he waits for my answer. I break our eye contact, eyes locking on Liam's clothed chest. I squirm as I scramble my mind for a memory that reminds me of how great of a dad my dad was. Nothing comes to mind.

"Yeah kind of. He lives a few towns over." I cringe at the lie I've just told. I can't be completely truthful with Liam. The thought of just opening up to someone and allowing them to know every single thing about me just terrifies me. I refuse to give him information that he can use against me. I prefer that he knows almost nothing about me. 

"My dad ran off too. They're pussies." I nod. 

"Your step dad is great." A small smile tugs at Liam's lips and my heart clenches at the sight of it. 

“He is.” I can hear the fondness laced in his soft voice and I'm glad he lucked out and has a great step dad but a small part of me is envious of that. Men have come in and out of my life throughout the years, none have stuck around for longer than a few months. My mom is hopeless with love, it seems like she is reluctant to allow herself to fall in love. I think she's afraid of falling in love and I don't blame her for being afraid, falling in love is so damn terrifying. It's one of my biggest fears.

"I'm going out of town this weekend." My heart drops. I need him here. 

"Where are you going?" I have no right to ask, but I still want to know. 

"I'm going a few towns over to pick something up." The smirk that curls on his lips makes me giggle. He doesn't want me to know where he's going. "Want to come with? I leave tonight." My heart gallops and I search my mind for a reason not to go. My dad needs money and I need to send him his package, so I need to work. Damnit. 

"I have to work." I feel Liam tense up. He glares down at me. 

"Right forgot, you gotta suck old man dicks." A bitter chuckle falls from his lips, he rubs his temples, sighing heavily. I feel shame settle in."I leave at eight tonight in case you change your mind." My face scrunches up, he's pissed at me. I lean down and press my lips to his. I kiss all over his face, until he breaks and gives me a smile. He giggles as he pushes me away a little, my heart gallops at the beautiful sound. A loud laugh slips out of my mouth as he tickles my sides. My ugly laugh slipped out and I'm horrified. Liam snorts as his tickling comes to a halt, that only humiliates me further. 

"Damn skinny, you got a damn witch laugh." I groan as he buries his face in my neck, he doesn't kiss my skin instead he just rests there, his warm breath fanning against my skin. I squirm as goosebumps arise on my arms and legs. I bite down on my lip, running my fingers through his hair. I can only hope he never truly stops caring about me, as much as it hurts me to admit it I actually might need Liam in my life. My life is total shit but Liam makes it a little more bearable.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter is a bit too long but oh well. I hope you lovely people enjoyed it and if you did let me know if you didn't please keep that to yourself. Comment if you would like. Thank you for reading, lovelies


	7. Chapter 7

Anger courses through me as I drop to my knees and suck at a stranger's erect penis. I hate this so much. Thoughts of Liam plunge their way into my mind and I slam my eyes shut and suck this man's penis faster. I lick around the head of it attempting to get Liam out of my mind. It seems the more I try the more challenging it becomes. My heart clenches as I clamp my hand around the part of his penis my mouth can't reach and begin jerking it.

Liam is going to be gone this weekend, I'm not sure if I'm okay with that. A sob escapes me and I pull away from his penis. I bring my hands to my face and loud sobs flow out of me. 

"Hey, can you keep going?" My sobs grow louder and more uncontrollable as his words circle my mind. I'm not in control at the moment, the money I need is currently in his pocket and I need to finish him off before I can receive it. 

Quiet sobs fall from my lips, light sniffles following after as my trembling lips come in contact with the head of his penis. I continue with the sloppy blow job. I frown as he grips the back of my head and begins to harshly thrust his hips. Tears trickle down my cheeks rapidly as he takes full control, I just take all he gives. By the time he finishes in my mouth I feel awfully nauseous, that I fear I might blow chunks on his penis. I attempt to pull myself up but my legs fail me and I stumble landing on my bottom. I gasp as the stranger crouches down before me, gripping my chin and forcing me to look up at him. I gulp as he leans in and places a sloppy kiss to my trembling lips. He pulls away with a groan and pulls out a hundred dollar bill from his pocket and pushes it into my hand. I grasp it tightly and crumple it in my fist as I sniffle. 

"The crying was a real turn on." With that he pulls the door open as far as it can go before bumping into my slouched figure, he slips out of the tight space with a clear of his throat. I sink my teeth into the palm of my hand, biting down as the urge to scream out all my pent up anger pesters at me. 

It feels like time stilled and not in a good way. Liam is leaving soon and I need him to hold me so bad right now. I draw my knees up close to my chest, circling my arms around my legs, locking my fingers together tightly. I rock myself back and forth as I try to resist the urge to run to Liam and go away with him for the weekend. My emotions got out of hand today and I stooped so low, I cried my eyes out in front of a stranger and it's all Liam's fault. I want to be mad at Liam and shun him out until he breaks and comes crawling to me, but I am aware of the fact that he will never allow himself to ever stoop that low. He's the only one that can make me feel better. Even now just the thought of him eases some of my pain. I still myself and rub at my knees. Now that I think of it Liam has never caressed my knees before. He rubs at my thighs and it feels so nice but he's never softly rubbed my knees. My eyebrows knit together as I wonder why he's never even attempted to ease the ache in my knees. I wish he would. 

Right now in my moment of weakness I feel I should go with Liam. The thought of him forgetting about me over the weekend causes my heart to plummet down to my ribcage. My heart gallops continuously at the very thought of him not caring about me anymore and I groan as nausea washes over me. I'm so afraid that he might sleep with someone and forget that I exist, that I was once someone he cared about. With those thoughts scorching my mind I weakly lift myself off the ground. 

My legs shake a little as I stand to my feet. I clutch the bill in my hand and hesitantly leave the bathroom. I scan the bar for Donny, he's nowhere in sight, a breath of relief falls from my tingling lips. I make a beeline for Al who is slightly bent over as he wipes down one of the booths. 

"I need you to cover for me. Please." The desperation in my voice can clearly be heard and I hope Al takes notice. 

"What do you need, Z? Did one of those pricks rip you off?" He stands straight, thin eyebrows furrowed, and eyes wild. 

"No. I need to leave now and I need you to make up some excuse to Donny. I need the money. I'll pay him soon." Al sighs heavily as his shoulders slump, he wipes down the table hastily, going silent. My heart thumps wildly in my chest, I begin to feel more squeamish the longer I stand here in this grimy bar. 

"I can't, Zayn. He already saw you and he'll get angry if he doesn't get his percentage." His tone is so formal, giving the impression that we've never spoken like friends before. 

"Wow you're really not gonna help me?" I'm stunned by how quickly he turned on me. Al has always been kind to me and he covers for me from time to time so I'm curious as to why he's refusing to help me now. 

"I'm sorry, Zayn, he's my boss too. If I lie to him I'll be in just as much shit as you." The same desperation I previously used is laced in his voice now, only he seems slightly more desperate than I did. It occurs to me that he is afraid, Donny must've found out that I came in the night he was out of town. One thing Donny takes seriously is trust, Al and I have both broken his trust, we're in trouble now. 

"Al, I need this money so badly right now. Donny takes more from me than he should and I'm sick of it." 

"That's not my problem, Zayn." Donny slings the rag over his shoulder giving me one last glance before he strides away from me. Looks like it's to each their own from now on in this shit hole.

I intake a large breath as I peer around the room, I glance at the door being pushed open by some guy, several men walk through and head straight to the bar. It's crowded in here, more crowded than most nights, I could just walk out. I slowly inch closer towards the door. Al shakes his head at me and I have a feeling that if I bolt he'll snitch on me. I spot Donny coming out from the back room. I panic. Before I can stop myself I am hastily striding towards the door. Logical thinking flew out the window the second I caught sight of Donny and his glaring blue eyes. As soon as I'm outside feeling the air wisp through my hair, my legs start moving. Even if he isn't chasing me my legs won't give up, my fear of Donny won't allow me to stop. 

My heart was thumping rapidly before I started my sprint and now it feels like it's beating a mile a minute. My apartment complex comes into view and as I get closer I become more afraid. I'm not sure if going with Liam to wherever he's going is a good idea. I come to a halt as I reach the stairs I bend over clutching the railing as I pant. My limbs feel like jelly, almost numb from the cool air whipping against my skin. 

"Aye, skinny, you good?" Liam's voice causes my heart rate to pick up even more speed, so much more I fear it might give up on me and I'll stroke out. I nod as I attempt to catch my breath. My heart thumps harshly against my chest that I fear it might thump too harshly against it and my heart will just jump out and land straight into the palm of Liam's hand. 

"I want to go with you, wherever you're going I want to go." I spew out hastily before I can cower away from him and the strong magnetic pull I feel when close to him. 

"Oh, really?" His beautiful puppy dog eyes widen very slightly as his bushy brows raise up. I nod and I hope his heart is thumping as fast as mine is right now as he looks down at me with those soft brown eyes that are so puppy-like. "Alright, pack some clothes and let's go." I glance up at my door and feel my heart clench. If I go inside I won't allow myself to come out. I'll lock myself in my room and allow Liam to leave without me. 

My face scrunches up as I stare at Liam, his bushy eyebrows are pulled together as he stares down at me. 

"I uh I won't leave my house if I go in. I can't go with you." My heart gallops and my stomach flutters and I hate these uncontrollable feelings I feel for Liam. It's overwhelming excitement and awful anxiousness and it's too much for my body to handle so I constantly feel the need to hurl. I feel so out of control all the time and I hate it.

"Fine. Stay home." The curt response encourages waves of sadness to wash over me. It's an uncomfortable feeling that I can't seem to shake. I hastily reach out and grasp his hand before he can stride away from me, digging my fingernails into his palm. I'm practically begging him to beg me to go. I want him to beg me. I want him to lose his dignity and become desperate for me, because I lost my dignity so long ago and I continue to lose whatever's left of it when around him. 

"Skinny." He whispers as he draws me closer to him. I bury my face in his neck and breathe in his scent, softly sinking my teeth into the warm and delicate skin that smells of his favorite cologne. I'm so damn lucky I get the privilege to touch him and do as I please to his body. I can only hope he doesn't allow anyone else to have him in the ways I have him. Today was emotional and I really needed him, now I'm here with his arms wrapped around my waist and I finally feel okay not great but okay and feeling okay is better than how shitty I feel when away from him. 

"I want to go but I can't go inside alone. Can you please come with me?" The desperation in my voice is degrading but I'm not sure if I give a damn at the moment. He pushes my body away from his and grips my chin gently. I slam my eyes shut, I'm so glad it's Liam who's touching me. His touch is so gentle and harmless, I am confident that hurting me has never crossed his mind. He pushes my chin up, our eyes locking on each other. 

"Did something happen?" His jaw clenches and his gaze hardens. I almost break eye contact, but I shake my head a little while holding our intense eye contact. A soft "no" slipping out of my mouth. He pulls me into him again and hugs my waist, his hold on me slightly tighter than the previous embrace. 

~  
Liam's eyes peer around my room as I pull open my drawer. I hastily shove some clothes in my backpack. I messed up in a huge way tonight. Donny is going to be livid and who knows what will be done to me after I return from the weekend. 

"Your room is so empty." He mumbles as his eyes continue to avert around the small room, taking in everything. 

"Yeah I like it this way. Simple." I grasp his hand and make a failed attempt of pulling him out of the room. He remains standing in my room, his body refusing to move along with my tugs. His eyes stay stuck on my underwear drawer that I failed to fully close. His lips curl into a small smirk as he reaches in and pulls out a red lace thong. 

"Red is my favorite color." He gives me a subtle wink as he holds out the thong for me to take. I feel heat rise to my cheeks, I sink my teeth into my bottom lip as I slowly grasp onto the revealing piece of clothing.

Being with Liam for an entire weekend has got to be the best thing. It's got to be better than staying home all weekend hiding away from Donny, constantly worrying about what will be done to me. Just me and Liam away from this small town almost feels like a dream.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this chapter like a week ago and I held off on posting it because I'm not sure if I like it. It's just all over the place but I did rewrite it a few times but I liked this better than the rewrites so I hope y'all enjoyed it.


	8. Chapter 8

I'm a bit drunk and as Liam speeds down the highway at over seventy miles per hour I feel like I'm flying. My mind is calm and hazy. I just feel good. Liam speeds up a little more and I inhale large breaths as I struggle to remember that I am breathing fine, just because I feel like I'm flying as this vehicle speeds and the cool evening air wisps and slaps at my face it doesn't mean I am flying. I slouch in my seat as I turn my head to glance at Liam. I reach for the liquor bottle that lies in the middle console, I can barely feel my limbs, I have to watch my arm closely to be sure it's moving. I unclasp the cap and slowly bring the bottle to my lips, it knocks against my front teeth and I groan before wrapping my lips around the neck of the half empty bottle, I take a swig. I can't find the cap. My limbs feel so loose but also heavy, it's like I'm not in control at all of my body and for once I’m okay with giving up control over myself. I feel a soft touch on my thigh. I peer down at my legs and catch sight of Liam’s hand rubbing at my thigh. I frown, grabbing his hand and pushing it down to my slightly bruised up knee, he thumps his thumb against my knee but he doesn't caress it. 

"I think you've had enough, skinny." I nod or I think I'm nodding, I'm not sure if my head is moving. 

"I want to cuddle, pull over, li." My tongue feels so heavy, I struggle to lift it as I speak so it just kind of sits there and slurs my words. I feel hot despite the air being cool. 

"Damn alcohol turns you into a little softie. Where's bitchy Zayn at?" Liam's voice is so easy on the ears. I smile at him and that encourages a loud chuckle to sound from him. "You're so out of it." He shakes his head and I can't refrain from mirroring his action. I sigh heavily as I finally feel the waves of nausea flow through me. I move my head closer to the rolled down window and breathe in the fresh air, blowing out slowly. I'm starting to regret drinking. It's bad enough that I'm a lightweight but no I decided drinking on an empty stomach would be okay. There's a stinging feeling in my eyes and my face feels warm, I'm crying. Oh no. 

"Hey, skinny calm down. What's wrong?" His voice is so soft and soothing, I pull away from the window and scoot closer to him. Unfortunately the middle console prevents our bodies from touching but I still intertwine our hands. 

"I shouldn't have drank. I thought it would be fun but it's not!" I groan as warm tears continue to trickle down my cheeks. 

"It's going to be okay, Zayn. We'll stop at a store and get you something to eat." I sniff and wipe at my damp cheeks. I'm nauseous already so if I eat chances are I'm going to barf up the food in minutes, that calms my nerves a little. 

Liam pulls into a gas station, I'm craving a big gulp and something so greasy I can get a whiff of the grease as I barf it up later. I attempt to lift myself up from the seat but I am pulled back in. 

"You stay In the car. You're pissed drunk, you'll mess around and fall." 

"No I want to go please, Liam. Please." I lean over and press my lips to his jaw, trailing my lips up and sinking my teeth into the delicate skin of his cheek. 

"What the fuck, Zayn? That hurts!" I press our noses together before he can pull away from me, he winces and I assume I pushed our noses together with too much force. "Stay here I'll be back." He's out of the car long before my woozy mind can think to force my legs to move. 

I sift through his glove compartment wondering what he has stored in there. There's some loose papers folded up and just lying in there and a pair of sunglasses, I give up my pointless search when I find a navy blue lace thong crumpled up in there. Such a pig. I slump in my seat, glaring at his empty seat. He returns a while later with a sandwich and a lemon-lime gatorade, yuck. I glare at him, as he holds the sandwich out to me.

"You need the bread and gatorade to sober up." His urge to sober me up is so annoying, why can't he allow me to stray a little ways from my sad reality just for a while, it doesn't have to be forever. I'll be hunched over the toilet bowl violently hurling soon, the room will spin and I'll feel like death is near, but the throbbing headache I'll have in the morning will be a reminder that I am very much alive and awfully stupid. Then I'll never drink again. It's simple. 

The whole point of this little trip was for Liam to meet up with someone, but he assures me that it's fine. He'll meet with them tomorrow. Liam's touch is soft and gentle and harmless and I always convince myself that I don't deserve it and maybe I really don't but I'm selfish and I want it. He rubs my back as I dry heave into the toilet, merely four seconds later I’m blowing chunks so large I nearly choke as some get stuck in my throat. Liam taps my back a few times but the chunks are stubborn and refuse to fall, I force myself to swallow them. I rest against Liam's chest, gasping in some air, my throat hurts and so does my jaw, it almost feels like my jaw is being squeezed roughly. I peer around the small bathroom. I still don't regret gulping down all that liquor and devouring that sandwich. At the time I was content, the liquor made me happy and so did the sandwich so as I am sat here slouched against Liam's body nauseous and in pain I have no regrets at all. I swear the room really looks like it's spinning, I feel like I'm on a roller coaster that refuses to stop. 

"Do you feel any better?" My heart clenches and all I can do is nod. I don't feel the slightest bit better, but he sounds so concerned that I don't want to alert him of how shitty I feel, that would be unkind of me. I'm always the one ruining good moments between us and making him feel hurt, right now I feel like shit but I want him to feel good. I turn my head and place a soft kiss to his jaw, I yearn to kiss his lips so badly, but I just blew chunks so kissing him right now would be cruel. I cup my hand over my lips and nose, blowing out a large breath, I get a whiff of my God Awful breath and gag a little. I hear a soft snort sound from Liam and I can't refrain from giggling. 

"My breath smells rotten, like something died inside me." My face scrunches up at the disgusting description of my breath I just gave the guy I want to suck face with. Liam's laugh reaches my ears and it almost feels like my heart swelled with care for this boy and his sweet laugh. 

"You're something else, skinny." I rest my head against his chest, loving the sound of his heart thumping against his chest. I swear it picks up speed as I skim his lips with my thumb, but I could be imagining things, I'm drunk after all. 

"Why did you want me to come with you?" I want him to say that he craved my presence and personality but I know that's farthest from the truth. I really think he just wanted me here to have a few quickies. 

"I don't know. I just thought it could be fun." My heart sinks to my stomach and the urge to hurl hits me again. I inhale a large breath of air as I clutch onto his t-shirt, fisting it tightly as I slowly blow out. I'm tired of throwing up. I'm also tired of being treated so poorly by Liam. He claims to care about me but he uses my body selfishly for his pleasure just like everyone else. 

"I only came because I didn't feel like sucking dick all weekend so don't think I'm going to get on my knees for you, bighead." Liam frowns down at me, I want to look tough and serious because I am serious about this and I want Liam to take me seriously, but I know my scrunched up face makes me look constipated rather than serious. I need to throw up again so bad, and oddly enough scrunching up my face helps a little. 

"Oh, okay. I didn't really expect you to." I open my mouth to say something but I know only unnecessarily bitter words will leave it so I slowly close it. I doubt Liam's words, I have sex with strangers for money and I allow Liam to have his way with me whenever and however he pleases there's no way he didn't expect sex from me. He's just too kind for his own good and hopes to avoid hurting my feelings. 

"I'm tired." Liam nods as he reaches forward to flush the toilet. My eyes lock on his arms that are littered with tattoos, I itch to learn the meaning behind all of them. Even if the meaning is completely meaningless and the result of a drunken night, I want to know so bad. I reach out to touch his arm, trailing my pointer finger over one of the four thick arrows inked on his forearm. A smile curls on my lips as I admire the stupid tattoo. 

"It was a mistake." His words are so soft I and if I weren't hanging on tightly to every word that falls from his perfect lips then they would've gone unheard.

"Which other ones are mistakes?" A soft sigh is released from his lips as he trails his eyes over his arms, grasping my wrist and guiding my hand along his arm and halting over a tattoo of a large beautiful eye. My brows furrow at the beautifully detailed eye, this person must've meant a lot to him if their eye is permanently inked on his skin. I feel envy surge through me as I trail my finger over the eye, digging my fingernails into the skin. Liam winces and shakes his head lightly as he allows my harmless abuse. I withdraw my touch and place a kiss to the skin I previously dug my fingernails into. 

"That one was also a mistake but not the worst one." I nod, averting my eyes back to the very large eye that will make me uncomfortable every time my eyes land on it from now on. 

"Who's eye is it?" My heart gallops as his eyes fall to the tattoo, lightly skimming his thumb over it, a soft sigh escaping him. 

"Just somebody’s. Somebody that is no longer important to me." I bite down on my lip, eyes once again averting to the huge eye inked on Liam's tan skin. The eye intimidates me, it's someone unimportant now but they were once very important and the knowledge of someone other than me mattering so much to Liam makes me nauseous. If this person that Liam was confident enough to ink a replica of their eye on his skin is now unimportant to him, then I fear Liam will soon push me to the side and deem me unimportant.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Share any thoughts you have about this chapter. If in your opinion it was awful just let me know I take blunt honesty very well. If you thought it was good let me know. Just interact with me. Interacting with you guys is something I really enjoy!!


	9. Chapter 9

Soft kisses are pressed to my neck, Liam’s large hand rubbing my thigh. I focus on my breathing in hopes of concealing my moans. He’s being gentle and I itch to question if I am someone important to him. I realize that the way I treat him leads me to have no right to ask such a question, but I still urge to. I wonder who that person he got a tattoo for is and if I have even a fraction of their beauty. I find myself being envious of someone I have never met and that’s not a good feeling. I made it crystal clear that he and I are nothing to each other and one of my few fears is him realizing he deserves better. 

I am brought out of my scorching thoughts when I feel a tug at my underwear, our eyes find each other and I give a slight nod. He gently preps me and his gentleness almost convinces me that feeling things for him is okay and not all that terrifying, but my overthinking mind pulls me out of the fantasy world and back to reality. Liam is too good for me and love is overrated. 

His long fingers slowly push in and out of me, I squeeze my eyes shut as keeping my moans in is becoming increasingly more tough. I sink my teeth into my bottom lip so hard I can taste the metallic taste of blood on my tongue. He pulls his fingers out and he’s sliding into me quicker than I can flutter my eyes open. He’s so perfect. I fail to keep my collectiveness and a high pitched moan escapes me. I can feel Liam’s breath fan against my ear,he lightly nibbles on my ear lobe and I can no longer keep my cool, he speeds up his thrusts and I allow my moans to fall freely. 

He slows his thrusts down immensely and his eyes meet mine, there's a dazed look in his beautiful brown eyes and my heart clenches at the sight of him looking so out of it. I’m the one making him feel good. “Fuck.” The word hastily slips out of his mouth as he leans down and buries his face in my neck, sinking his teeth into my delicate flesh. “You feel so fucking good, skinny.” Liam has always had a dirty mouth, curse words are just his thing, I’m positive he is unable to go an entire day without allowing a curse word to slip from his lips, but still hearing him curse during sex is such a big deal to me. 

“So fucking good, Li. Nobody does it like you.’’ I breathily whisper out in hopes of boosting his already large ego. Liam loves compliments during sex, he also takes pride in making me feel so good I am unable to utter out any words at all. He usually deepens and speeds up his thrusts as we grow closer to reaching our highs and my confusion is rising as he continues to gently thrust into me. “Faster, Liam.” I softly demand although I’m not too sure if I want his careful thrusts to be replaced by rough careless ones. His lips meet mine and I groan as he sucks at my lips, he pulls away releasing a low groan as he continues thrusting into me. 

“I want us to enjoy the feeling.’’ I bite down on his bare shoulder, eyebrows knitting together as his words circle my mind. I’m now worried this is too intimate and Liam has the impression that this is more than just meaningless sex. 

“I always enjoy it. Go faster and harder or else stop.” I grow nauseous at the thought of this being more than just sex. His gentle and caring thrusts do have me feeling different and I hate it. 

“What?” His thrusts slow to a halt as he frowns down at me, he's breathless and sweaty and so fucking beautiful. My heart gallops and I get the urge to apologize and ask him to continue going slow, but I refuse to stoop that low. 

“Fuck me the right way or get out of me.”Confusion is swimming in his eyes, but I take notice of a hint of hurt there too, so I quickly avert my eyes to his chest. 

“I’ll fuck you anyway I want. Why do you always have to be such a bitch, Zayn?’’ I can detect the rising anger laced in his voice and that eases my worry just a bit. 

“Pull out now, Liam” I push at his chest lightly, not wanting to hurt him but wanting him to get the hint. He clenches his jaw as he glares down at me, slight fear washes over me as I take in how different he looks when angry, almost a whole different Liam. 

“I don’t know why you always have to fuck shit up with that big mouth of yours, you’re so fucking annoying honestly. I’m getting so tired of you.” He grasps my wrists and pins them down on the bed as he gives a hard thrust. My eyes widen as I am reminded that I have been in this position before. Panic surges through me. 

“Liam, pull out now or I’ll scream!’’ I recognize the panic on his face as he detects the panic and fear laced in my voice. Liam hastily pulls out, releasing my wrists as he stands to his feet. 

He leaves. He came here for business and I was brought along purely for pleasure. Something was bound to go wrong. He left me all to my lonesome. Alone with my racing thoughts and ugly memories. I feel the urge to binge, itching for some type of control, but instead I lie here naked on this bed that smells of Liam- crying and being tortured by flashbacks of being pinned down and rammed into forcefully. 

Again I feel raging anger and hate towards Liam, it surges through me. Just a day ago I foolishly believed Liam would never even entertain the thought of causing me harm, and here I am in pain because of Liam. I can't fully hate Liam because in some way I deserved what I got. I treat Liam horribly and I'm sure I make him feel like less than a man at times. He did stop, so I suppose I should be grateful for that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, lovely people I hope you enjoyed this chapter. I felt just a bit of drama was needed since this story is a little on the boring side now. So enjoy the drama there's a bit more of it to come! Comment!! I love reading your comments!


	10. Chapter 10

I hear the door knob turn, my eyes stay focused on the door as I pull the covers closer to my body. Seconds later the door is being pushed open and in walks Liam. I keep my eyes locked on him as he removes his jacket, kicking off his timbs. I can smell the strong scent of his colonge; a smell my senses have learned to pick up anywhere. I release a small sigh of relief. He appears less angry so I can assume his little exchange went well. Although the far away look in his eyes and the slight furrow of his brows makes him seem troubled. 

Liam seems tense. He keeps his eyes glued to the ground as he takes hesitant steps towards the bed. My eyes follow his every move until he leaves my sight. I don't have the energy or guts to turn around and look at him. He knows what he did was wrong which is why he is being so cowardly at the moment. The bed dips and the scent of his colonge is stronger now, he is sitting right beside me. I remain completely still, I'm not afraid to face him. I'm ashamed. This has yet to completely feel real to me. Liam is different yet he did what any pig I get in bed with would do. He took advantage of me. I feel more empty than I've ever felt before, this emptiness terrifies me. 

The room seems a lot more dull now than it did a few hours ago. It feels less welcoming now with Liam and I not on speaking terms. The air is tense and I cuddle my pillow closer to me. I don’t carry much regrets with me, but meeting Liam might be one of the few I carry. The bad moments between us immensely outweigh the good. I feel so ashamed as I lie here under the sheets nude and craving the warmth of Liam’s body. I wish he would ignore the tension and fear of pushing my limits and just cuddle me and kiss all over my body. 

Time passes slowly but in a way quickly all at the same time. The tension slows down time, but the urge to not speak of what occurred earlier speeds it up. It’s been a few hours that have passed and Liam is lying beside me but the small distance between us makes me feel like he’s miles away. I hear his light breathing and little sighs of breath he releases every few minutes as boredom seems to eat at him, but he refuses to speak first. The empty feeling has yet to leave me, I feel so empty that it almost hurts. I gulp inaudibly, clenching the pillow between my fist as I slowly turn my head a little to catch sight of Liam, he’s staring up at the ceiling, seemingly lost in thought. Oh how I wish he would reveal what type of thoughts run through that big head of his. I turn my body towards his, sinking my teeth into my bottom lip as he turns his head to meet eyes with me. A small gasp escapes me but I hold our eye contact. It always amazes me how his eyes are a common brown color but I see them as the most beautiful and unique set of eyes. Guilt is an obvious emotion swimming through those teary puppy dog-like eyes of his. My heart clenches at the sight, he doesn’t need to speak a word, I know how sorry he is. I shift closer to him, resting my head on his shoulder, his scent fills my nose, I breath it in. He curls his arm around my waist, squeezing a little then loosening his grip. 

“Zayn, I don’t know why I did what I did, it all happened so fast.” I squeeze my eyes shut as the words I didn’t want to hear circle my mind. 

“Just shut up, Liam. I don’t want to talk about it. Let's pretend it never happened.” My heart thumps harshly against my chest as all so suddenly Liam sits up and I my back meets the mattress. He hovers over me, his eyes flashing with guilt and maybe confusion. He leans down and his lips meet my neck. I gasp audibly as his rough lips trail up to my jaw. He places several wet kisses there before trailing down back to my neck, his tongue slips out licking over my skin before sucking lightly. I slam my eyes shut as he works on creating a noticeable mark on the skin of my neck. His hands trail from my side down to my hips, his fingers curl around my sensitive place and my body goes rigid. I push at his chest weakly in hopes of him receiving the hint, I want him off of me, I want his touch to be withdrawn. His lips unattached from my neck and his warm uneven breath fans against my face. 

“What's wrong?” A snort escapes me and the urge to bad mouth him overcomes me but I refrain from lashing out at him as he continues to stare down at me with furrowed brows and confused eyes. He isn’t trying to be an inconsiderate asshole, he is just genuinely too dull headed to understand why I felt the need to push him away and why his words make him seem like a dick. I pity him. He grasps my hand that lies limp on the bed, he raises it up to his lips, placing a soft kiss to my thumb, before trailing kisses down to my wrist, swirling his tongue around my pulse, my heart gallops. It’s overwhelmingly confusing to me that he is capable of hurting me the way he did. 

“Nothing is wrong, Li. Can you just hold me? Cuddle me?” He allows my hand to drop, giving a small nod. His arms circle around me, his chest pressed to my back as we lie still. We remain in that position for hours, day turns to night and we’re still lying there completely still, only our light breathing being audible, words seemingly caught in our throats.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey my beauties!!! Wow it's been a minute since I've updated, life is tough right now. But I hope y'all enjoyed this chapter. It's a small chapter and not much happened but I can promise you that things are gonna start to happen very soon! comment please! I wanna know your thoughts on this chapter!!! Love y'all 💖

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know what you think!


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